absolutely. defining that differentiating factor is a different story though. at its root, i believe it’s as simple as a connection. but calling it simple seems to be an injustice. what i do know is that it was never as simple as just sex with you. there was always that element of love, and not merely the platonic kind of love either. we have always shared that connection. a special bond that no one can sever. but that love was always enhanced by the physical connection we shared during sex—at least for me. and it made it that much more amazing. so yes, there is absolutely a differentiating factor, but love and sex also go hand in hand.

honestly, it was the way that you looked at me. you saw me at my most vulnerable, but you never looked at me as though i was weak. you never looked at me as though i was this broken thing that needed to be fixed. you made me feel strong. but he was stronger. the fact that you could look at me and see this—could really see me—attracted me to you in a way that i just couldn’t understand at the time. it tethered me to you. it bound me to you. and i wouldn’t want it any other way.

i do. i have always been a hopeless romantic, even though i haven’t always been convinced that romance was for me. but i believe in falling in love completely and losing myself in love because i have done both. the reason there has never been anyone else in my life is because there has never been room in my life for anyone else. when i fell in love with you, i fell in love so completely that there was no room in my heart for me to love anyone else. and i was perfectly fine with that. i believed that we would be together in the end, but if we didn’t, then i would be content with you filling that space in my, even if you didn’t know it. it was always you.

this is much easier to answer now that you and i have made the transition from friendship to love. yes, it is. that isn’t to say that life cannot be lived without love. it just won’t be the same. without love, my life would be cast in shades of gray. you bring the color to my world. you bring so much clarity to my life just by loving me. everything is so much brighter, richer because i have loved and been loved. i am beyond lucky.

i have never actually given this much thought before. i have never believed it to be one or the other. but if i have to choose one, i think my heart rules my mind more than the other way around. i follow my heart more often than not. i just don’t always know how to express what’s in my heart. i am a work in progress, and i am improving every minute of every day.

no, but if you recall, when we first began dating, there was a point where i was concerned that you might never be in love with me as much as you loved me as your best friend. (at least, i think i told you this.) and one day, i remember doing something completely random when i suddenly realized: he does love me. i know that talking about your feelings isn’t something that comes naturally or comfortably to you. but i don’t need to hear those words because i already know how you feel about me. and whenever my self doubt gets the best of me, i promise to come to you and let you know that i need to hear it.

“get the fuck off the pillow, fluff!” there are very few mornings when i wake before you, but those are the mornings when the first thing i think is how incredibly lucky i am to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. those are the mornings when i watch you and wonder what you’re dreaming. it takes every ounce of restraint not to kiss you awake, but you look so peaceful when you’re asleep that i can hardly bring myself to disturb you. every day is the first day of the rest of our lives, and i really am the luckiest girl in the world.

there are a million dirty answers to this question, and while i love each and every one of them, my favorite way of spending time with you is tangled up on the couch with you, surrounded by our babies, watching everything and nothing at all. this is the benchmark of our childhood and adolescence, and i feel like it is the very essence of who we are.

i have been thinking about this a lot lately. i know that i told you that i didn’t know when that shift occurred for me in the christmas letter i wrote you, but i think i have finally figured it out.

do you remember back when we were twenty and i had gotten myself pregnant? i was absolutely terrified to tell you. it wasn’t because i was afraid that you wouldn’t support me. i knew you would. you always had. but it had been such a struggle to adjust to this new chapter in our lives. i had this expectation that college would bring us this incredible freedom to conquer the world together. what i never imagined was that it would bring us freedom from each other. i didn’t want to move on. i didn’t want to open myself up to other people, but eventually i did. and when i discovered that i was pregnant, it was never an option to keep the baby. not by another man. i know that sounds incredibly callous of me. i know that makes me sound like a horrible person. but that was only the beginning of my list of reasons.

that was the moment, lukas flynn. that was when i knew things had shifted for me. when i first recognized that the love i felt for you wasn’t purely platonic anymore. and i couldn’t bear the thought of you being disappointed in me. i couldn’t bear the thought of you thinking that i loved someone else more than i loved you. maybe it wasn’t crystal clear to me then, but it is to me now.